The 70 best Christmas cracker jokes

Christmas cracker jokes are a Christmas tradition 
Cracker jokes are a Christmas tradition  Credit: Justin Sutcliffe

They're corny and seldom improve with the telling, but Christmas lunch wouldn't be complete without the chorus of groans that corny cracker jokes always provoke.

But a competition run by the TV channel Gold has given the old tradition a topical twist, asking the public to send in their best Christmas cracker jokes for 2016. Here are their top 20:

  1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
  2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes.
  3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.
  4. I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out.
  5. What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU. 
  6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B.I.
  7. Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn't get past Iceland. 
  8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed. 
  9. Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says. The Queen replies: '63 years. Yes, that is a lot.'  
  10. What's the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they're both a little orange.   
  11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
  12. What's the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch.
  13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold.   
  14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not. 
  15. Why can't the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.
  16. I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
  17. Why is Bob Dylan's sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel. 
  18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie. 
  19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.   
  20. Why can't Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.  

Here are a few of our favourite all-time classics....

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can 'ho ho ho'!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas? Twerky Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty

Knock, knock Who's there? Arthur Arthur who?  Arthur any mince pies left?

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
 Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
 He got 25 days!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
  A Holly Davidson!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
  A Christmas Quacker!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
 A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How did Scrooge win the football game?
 The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
 Santa Jaws

Who is Santa's favorite singer? Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
 The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?  Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
 Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
 They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught!

Best Christmas cracker jokes ever: 'What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve Credit: Courtauld

Why did the turkey join the band?
 Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
 Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
 They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
 Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
 One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
 Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
 He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
 It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
 25. There’s "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?
 O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
 Cross Mouse Cards!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
  A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
 Tinsilitis!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What's the most popular Christmas wine? I don't like Brussels sprouts! Credit: Brian Lawless/PA Wire

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
 Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
 Jingle Smells!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
 Mistle-toad!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
 Noël Coward!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas? Noël Coward! Credit: AP

What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
 He has Santa claws!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital? Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered!